Dark Friday: Funny Vampire Quotes

"One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake."

— Jack Handy, 'Deep Thoughts'

"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos."

— Homer Simpson

"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories! 'Bart is a Vampire' ... 'Beer kills off brain cells' ... Now lets go back... to... that building... where bed and TV... is."

— Homer Simpson

"There will be hoards of vampire bats descending on Beverly Hills.... We'll see if they can find any real flesh to puncture. I don't know."

— Lucy Lawless, referencing the Hollywood premiere of 'Vampire Bats'

"I have never met a vampire personally, but I don't know what might happen tomorrow."

— Bela Lugosi

"I was particularly stunned by the casting of [Tom] Cruise, who is no more my Vampire LeStat than Edward G. Robinson is Rhett Butler."

— Anne Rice

"Following the Rumanian tradition, garlic is used in excess to keep the vampires away... Following the Jewish tradition, a dispenser of schmaltz (liquid chicken fat) is kept on the table to give the vampires heartburn if they get through the garlic defense."

— Calvin Trillin