"One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake."
"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos."
"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories! 'Bart is a Vampire' ... 'Beer kills off brain cells' ... Now lets go back... to... that building... where bed and TV... is."
"There will be hoards of vampire bats descending on Beverly Hills.... We'll see if they can find any real flesh to puncture. I don't know."
"I have never met a vampire personally, but I don't know what might happen tomorrow."
"I was particularly stunned by the casting of [Tom] Cruise, who is no more my Vampire LeStat than Edward G. Robinson is Rhett Butler."
"Following the Rumanian tradition, garlic is used in excess to keep the vampires away... Following the Jewish tradition, a dispenser of schmaltz (liquid chicken fat) is kept on the table to give the vampires heartburn if they get through the garlic defense."