Dark Friday: The Vampire's Christmas

Have a bloody great Christmas everyone!!

Dark Friday: Top Ten Complaints of Modern Vampires

TOP 10 COMPLAINTS OF MODERN-DAY VAMPIRES
10. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from undead.
9. Three words: Daylight Savings Time
8. Can’t enjoy a meal at BURGER KING without some redneck yelling, “Look…it’s Elvis!!”
7. After 45 years of Communist rule, it’s impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
6. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
5. All the crucifix-wearing Madonna clones make finding easy victims difficult.
4. No warm blood for miles around DC.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized “hardbodies.”
2. Fat-free blood tastes like crap!
AND THE #1 COMPLAINT OF MODERN-DAY VAMPIRES:
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards!

Dark Friday: Funny Vampire Quotes

"One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake."

— Jack Handy, 'Deep Thoughts'

"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos."

— Homer Simpson

"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories! 'Bart is a Vampire' ... 'Beer kills off brain cells' ... Now lets go back... to... that building... where bed and TV... is."

— Homer Simpson

"There will be hoards of vampire bats descending on Beverly Hills.... We'll see if they can find any real flesh to puncture. I don't know."

— Lucy Lawless, referencing the Hollywood premiere of 'Vampire Bats'

"I have never met a vampire personally, but I don't know what might happen tomorrow."

— Bela Lugosi

"I was particularly stunned by the casting of [Tom] Cruise, who is no more my Vampire LeStat than Edward G. Robinson is Rhett Butler."

— Anne Rice

"Following the Rumanian tradition, garlic is used in excess to keep the vampires away... Following the Jewish tradition, a dispenser of schmaltz (liquid chicken fat) is kept on the table to give the vampires heartburn if they get through the garlic defense."

— Calvin Trillin

Funny Want Ads

Found these and thought they were hilarious so I wanted to share. Enjoy!

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Dark Friday: Vampire Comics

Dark Friday: Three Vampires Walk Into a Bar...

Three vampires walked into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders.

“And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?”

The first vampire said, “I’ll have a mug of blood.”

The second vampire said, “I’ll have a mug of blood.”

The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, “I will have a glass of plasma.”

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, “Two bloods and a blood light.”

How to Tick People Off

Saw this on FB and had to post it here. Some of these really cracked me up!

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO." If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think." Practice making fax and modem noises. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." Staple pages in the middle of the page. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. Honk and wave to strangers. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register. TYPE IN UPPERCASE. type only in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times. "DO YOU HEAR THAT?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. Ask people what gender they are. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."